Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
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