she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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