she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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