Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
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