I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
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