gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
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