We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
