at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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