If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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