Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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