Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
