So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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