I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
