I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
