you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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