Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
