She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
two words...techno handjob
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
