My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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