Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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