I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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