I think I just saw someone hide a body.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Randomize
