I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
We're not piercing ourselves today.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
