I'm so fucking centered right now
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
