my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Randomize
