She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Randomize
