I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Randomize
