If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
