He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
