So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
