4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Randomize
