he wants to bone in the snuggie
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize