Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
