i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Barsexuality is the new black.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
