Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize