The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
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