My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
