I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
