does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize