I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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