My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
