She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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