When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
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