I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize
