You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
no. you can't hotbox the world.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
