Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
