Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Randomize
