My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize