Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
