i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
