If that was your dad, he is hot
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
