I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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