Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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