the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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