The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Randomize
