Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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