Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
