my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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