I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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