My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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