my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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